


Inevitable

by StellarLibraryLady



Series: Star Trek Incandescent Hearts [50]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Annoyed But Anxious Kirk, Crew as Family, Desert, Developing Relationship, Hissy Fit, M/M, Puzzled Spock, Restless McCoy, Restlessness, Starship Enterprise (Star Trek), Unreal Feeling, ennui, unrest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-15
Updated: 2019-11-15
Packaged: 2021-01-16 16:42:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21274397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StellarLibraryLady/pseuds/StellarLibraryLady
Summary: McCoy is leaving the Enterprise forever and so is Spock.  But they are going in different directions.Nothing feels right.





	Inevitable

And so it had come to this.

Just another sorry thing that the gods in charge of the universe had set for Leonard McCoy to do wrong in his convoluted life, and so he had done it as if he had intended on doing it all along. And it all seemed so simple to do when it came time to do it. Because, here he stood, not really knowing how, outside the Enterprise a short distance away, wondering vaguely about his future and trying to wrap himself around what had just happened.

Walking away from Starfleet. And the Vulcan walking away, too. But in a different direction.

Leonard McCoy smirked with the irony of it all. All those years of threatening to leave and all of those years of trying to get the Vulcan interested in him. Because that was what it had all boiled down to. McCoy wanted to be important to Kirk and to Spock so he could feel good about himself. And he knew that he was important to Kirk. Kirk could say it, hell, Kirk could show that McCoy was important to him. More than once, hadn't McCoy see tears standing in Kirk's eyes when he thought that McCoy was leaving?

But he'd never seen tears in Spock's eyes when he thought he was losing McCoy. There had been times when McCoy had seen concern for him from Spock when McCoy had been ill or injured. But that was probably just the concern of one friend and crewmate for another. But McCoy wanted more than that from Spock.

McCoy wanted to get into a tight clinch with the Vulcan and see if he could straighten out those pointed ears and make them come more to attention by having rough sex with that green bastard that lived underneath them and that sexy, fringed set of black bangs. That's what had caused all of that angst between them for all of those years. Sexual tension. Because McCoy wanted to get his hands on that stuck-up Vulcan and have his way with him. That's what had caused all of those arguments between them. McCoy didn't know if that had been Spock's problem, but it had definitely been McCoy's. And it had caused some doozies between them down through the years that Jim Kirk had had to referee. Probably all three of them figured that was the way that it was going to continue on among them: Spock and McCoy squabbling and Kirk refereeing. And somehow it had always gotten mended and straightened out. And the three of them had limped away. But together. Always together.

Then this other thing had happened and had ripped the delicate gossamer connecting them all to pieces. And it wasn't even for some big, knockdown, drag-out reason that had produced a lot of angry words and thrown blows for the Vulcan to duck as Spock tried to keep both of them from getting hurt. No, it wasn't for anything as dramatic as that. Leonard McCoy had just gotten tired, tired of it all, and had decided to put Starfleet, the Enterprise, and everything associated with his life in space behind him. What he couldn't understand was why Spock must've decided the same thing at about the same time and had put in his resignation, too. And their departures had left Jim Kirk looking too stunned to protest.

And now everything felt strangely off-kilter, as if something was out of sync in the universe. If he was leaving, where was his stuff? His personal things from his quarters and the few odd mementos from his desk in sickbay? His clothing? His family pictures? Had he sent them ahead or were they back where they'd always been on the Enterprise? Why did it feel as if he had just stood up and left? Why did he have the nagging hunch that was exactly what he had done-- just gotten up and left and let his stuff fend for itself. Because all he had wanted was out, away from it all, but especially away from Spock.

But what McCoy really couldn't understand was why, after all of that fuss and feathers, why was Spock still with him? Because they seemed to be together now when they should've been seeing only each others' back fading away into the sunset. But, no, here they were, both standing out in the wilderness looking like two bums trying to decide which end of the highway to try first. And the highway before them looked like empty desert in both directions because, well, that's all there was in either direction. Or anywhere else, it seemed, either. Empty desert without many prospects for basic comforts or even survival.

"Maybe I should've thought this out a little better," McCoy finally decided. "A pleasure planet would've been a better debarkation site than this place." When Spock didn't answer, McCoy figured that Spock agreed with him. Otherwise, Spock would've objected. He always had before, why should he act any differently now? Spock would probably have to get his opinion in, even if he was drowning and he had the choice of breathing or stating his opinion about his dire straits.

But why was Spock standing beside him now? Why wasn't he fifteen feet away, or preferably, a mile away? Why at McCoy's elbow? Wasn't that the reason why they'd resigned? To get away from each other? If the Vulcan had decided to go somewhere that McCoy wasn't, why was he standing here now, looking just as puzzled about his future as McCoy felt?

"I thought you were headed out to wherever I don't go," McCoy snipped. "So, why are you here with me now? I'm not offering you that much shade, and it's hotter than the hubs of Hell here-- even for a Vulcan-- I'd expect."

"I cannot leave, until you choose a direction."

"Oh." That made sense, but it had hurt, also. A quick stab to the ol' heart, like a physical blow. Here, McCoy had been hoping that Spock was hanging around him because he didn't want to leave him. Scratch that.

“Fair enough," McCoy agreed with a disinterested shrug. The Vulcan was as committed to the next chapter of his life as much as McCoy was, apparently. Neither one of them could whip up much enthusiasm for this departure thing. "So this is how it ends,” McCoy muttered as he smirked and felt like the poster child for irony. "Not with a bang, but with a whimper."

"I know that one," Spock spoke up. "And that is not quite the quote from T.S. Eliot's Hollow Men, but it is close enough."

"Well, good. Wouldn't want you to stop correcting me now at this stage of the game. But why waste your effort when you'll get so little back for all of your hard work?"

"I appreciate that you are thinking about my welfare. That is quite unexpected."

"Well, yeah, that's what I do," McCoy mumbled, feeling sheepish for taking credit for something he hadn't done. But it was alright if the Vulcan was appreciative. Let him feel self-conscious.

And McCoy was appreciating that they were talking about useless stuff instead of saying goodbye for the last time.

They stood together out on the tarmac a short distance from the Enterprise. It looked more like the outer reaches of Hell where they were standing instead of a spaceport. But you couldn't park a spaceship just anywhere, especially a Starship. So that's why they were finding themselves deplaning out in the middle of a desert instead of, say, downtown Detroit or Central Park in New York City. Although it would be more convenient and a whole lot closer to wherever McCoy was going, wherever that was. He wasn't really sure of where he was going, except AWAY. Away from that aggravating Vulcan who couldn't realize how beloved he was by a certain chief doctor who had been pining for him since McCoy didn't know when.

And now they were parting, probably forever. And McCoy didn't mind letting his bitterness show now about Spock's insensitivity and just plain blindness about the way McCoy had always felt about him. There was no reason to keep any of it secret anymore. Might as well stop denying that fact to anyone else. Might as well stop denying that anything would ever come of his wildest dreams anymore, either. And it just plain made McCoy feel testy and unruly. Perhaps that was why he was getting snide now, now that it was over.

"Well, you can certainly congratulate yourself on a job well done," McCoy sneered.

Spock gave him a puzzled look. "I did something?"

"Yep."

"I am confused, Doctor. I thought that I was simply standing here."

"In the past. All the time before, since I first met you. You're to be admired."

"Your words say one thing, but your tone of voice is completely contradictory as to what you are saying. Congratulations should be delivered with a more joyful manner and a happier face, I should imagine."

"Well, hallelujah! At least I've done that much for your education. You're getting so you can spot deception."

"You have taught me many things, but I believe that I am not understanding the lesson which you are trying to convey on this, our departure from each other."

“Well, okay, I'll make it plainer. You’ve kept yourself pure. You never succumbed to my advances.”

Spock's troubled face cleared and he grew thoughtful. Maybe he wasn't as dense as he'd always acted. “I do not know why you believe that is a victory for me, Doctor.”

“So, you didn’t even respect me enough to consider me as a potential lover.”

“You misunderstood my position, Doctor. I was never good enough to consider you.”

“What the hell?! What makes you think that?!”

Spock lowered his eyes in shame. “I am a half-breed. No good for anyone.”

“Anyone, except me. If you want me.”

Apparently, Spock did. Because, when he raised his eyes, that was the first time McCoy had ever seen Spock smile. Spock really shouldn't try to smile, McCoy decided. It didn't add any dignity to his face. But it sure lit up his eyes and even gave him a hopeful look which gave McCoy a hopeful look. But McCoy was stunned, too.

That's all it had taken after all of those years of hemming and hawing and playing footsie with a seemingly obtuse Vulcan?! State his interest, albeit in a convoluted, left-handed manner? It had to be more than that! So McCoy started thinking of things from Spock's prospective. How would Spock consider McCoy's portfolio? One well-chewed Earthling doctor thundering down on middle-age like it was sitting unawares at the bottom of a slippery slope. A pile of failed relationships that could keep an army of psychologists busy for their entire careers. A snarky attitude that clumsily hid a gentle heart that was easily broken. Not much, McCoy had to admit.

In fact, it was not enough for someone like Spock. “But maybe I’m not good enough for you. Have you ever considered that?” McCoy asked. "I don't have much to offer you, except a lot of odds and ends and pieces from a wasted life."

“If you are the leftovers that no one else wants, I would consider salvaging you,” Spock said, feeling surer of himself since he now realized that he had an opportunity to get McCoy for himself.

“Don’t stress yourself,” McCoy snapped. When he saw the light go out of Spock’s dark eyes, he decided to soften his growl. “Look, you better understand what you’re getting into with me. I’ll admit that I’m a little rough around the edges.”

Spock couldn’t stop the sudden widening of his eyes. His very face said what his mouth didn’t: that McCoy was a whole lot rougher around the edges than a little bit.

McCoy gave him a hard look. “If you’re gonna be around me a lot, you better learn to be a better actor than that. I don't mind facing the truth, but I don't want it shoved at me, either.”

“Am I going to be around you a lot, Leonard?” Spock asked shyly with a hopeful look on his face.

"That's what you took from all of that?!"

"It is the only part that is important to me, Doctor," Spock replied in the same shy, hopeful voice.

“Oh, hell,” McCoy muttered as he felt his heart melting into a big, sloppy puddle. “Thought I was immune to you, but I guess maybe I’m not. Maybe there's something real here after all, and not just something I've hoped for.”

“That is not bad news for me, Doctor. I can tell it by your face.”

“I know. Guess I’m gonna have to learn to be a better actor, too, if I ever want to have something of a chance in this relationship.”

“Are we in a relationship, Leonard?” Spock asked with a foolish, yet hopeful look on his face.

And McCoy knew that Spock was picking the important part out of his statements again.

None of the present situation seemed real to McCoy, especially this part where he and Spock were nibbling around the edges of something more than friendship between them. Because they really and truly seemed to be talking about a relationship, and that seemed surreal even though McCoy was going to have to bluff his way through until it began to feel natural or he woke up from this nightmare/dream or whatever this was.

“Well, yeah, I thought that you’d figured that much out by now,” McCoy growled, hoping that Spock would feel surer of himself and that McCoy would not have to be so careful with him. When Spock didn’t look saddened or concerned, McCoy relaxed, too. Maybe they were starting to get something of a decent rhythm going between them. And that was something, seeing as how they hadn’t even kissed each other or done any of those other good things that generally come with physical relationships between two people.

McCoy blushed. Kissing Spock. Or doing more with him! He hadn’t even considered that. Oh, he had during those times late at night when he was alone in his dimly lit quarters. But not now. Not today. Not when there looked like there could be a chance for something like that happening in the very near future.

McCoy found that it was suddenly difficult to draw a deep breath.

“Doctor? What are you thinking?” Spock inquired, his curiosity stirred up. “Your face flushed a most interesting shade of red. As if you were choking on something tough or someone had just grabbed you by your testicles.”

“Well, uh, actually, that second choice was pretty close to the truth.”

“Where?” Spock asked, looking around. “I did not see anyone near you, let alone your testicles. I would have stopped someone from attacking you in such an intimate area of your anatomy.”

“I appreciate your defensive thoughts in regards to me. But, actually, where I was grabbed was a little further up in my anatomy." He gave Spock a leisurely smile. "My heart, in fact.”

“Really? I did not observe anyone grabbing you in your chest area, either.”

“You just weren’t watching,” McCoy answered, then he continued in a softer voice, “But how could you notice when you were the one doing the grabbing?”

Spock grinned with pride, not really understanding how he had managed to perform that feat without moving toward McCoy. But he was proud that he had nonetheless managed to do such a wondrous feat because McCoy was acting quite thunderstruck by it. Sometimes Spock surprised even himself.

“So wherever we go now, we go together?” Spock asked hopefully.

“Looks like it.” McCoy looked across the barren acres that made up the launching pads for Starships. “But now that we have left Starfleet, where are we to go?”

“I thought that maybe you might have a plan,” McCoy answered with a shrug. “I was leaving Starfleet just because you were.”

“Me?! Are you crazy?! You wanna follow me around?! When I have no idea, either, of where I’m heading?!”

Spock shrugged.

“Sticking with Kirk. Now that’s more your style,” McCoy continued, beginning to understand what a momentous thing this was that Spock had done. Walking away from Starfleet just because he had. “You always wanted to be with Kirk before,” he said with wonder.

“And you always stayed with Kirk before.”

McCoy frowned. “Just how long have you had feelings about me?”

Spock shrugged again. “I do not know. There were just there one day, like a part of me.”

McCoy’s frown deepened. “I thought you did not like to mess with feelings.”

“It appears that it will be the only way that you come, so I suppose I will just have to make allowances for them from now on.”

“I don’t know if that’s very flattering.”

“Flattering or not, I can do little to fight it.”

“Don’t start waxing poetic about the tender feelings for me surging through you--”

“Alright.”

“Not very flattering, either.”

“As you Earthlings say, ‘Take it or leave it.’”

“What can I say to something proposed so touchingly?” McCoy snarled with sarcasm.

Spock frowned. "Why are you being so scathing?"

"My defenses. As you Vulcans say, 'Take it or leave it.'"

"Now I understand your statement about the touching proposal."

McCoy smirked. "You're catching on."

Spock sighed. "This is not the sort of prospects I always thought I would be offered with a tender experience."

"Not exactly a romance designed by the angels, is it? But that's how it is. I'm no angel, but I'm real."

"Somehow I believe you might be better than an angel," Spock said slyly. "An angel would expect perfection, and I am not that, either."

McCoy's eyes twinkled. "You're really catching on. No, when all the flowery platitudes are exposed for the impractical frauds that they are, what you've got left is something you can work with on a daily basis. And something that's lasting."

"I am pleased to learn that there will be something left that will be lasting."

"There's plenty left over. We'll have enough to scrape together a relationship of sorts."

"That is reassuring." Spock didn't sound too thrilled with the prospects, though.

"Spock. It'll be alright. You'll see. And it'll be fun. That's what Jim's always after, isn't it? The fun?"

Speaking of Jim Kirk, he appeared in the hatch of the Enterprise and stared at them with a mixture of annoyance and relief on his handsome face.

"I believe that Jim is looking for us," Spock noted.

"I see that." McCoy glanced at Spock. "Ready for this?"

"Depends on what he says."

"Good point there." McCoy drew in a deep, steadying breath. "Whatever it is, you can bet he'll say plenty."

"That is one of the things I have noticed about you Earthlings. You can be very verbose. When you shouldn't be. And silent. When you should be vocal. It can be confusing, but I believe that you use it to your advantage."

"Are you calling us girls when it comes to manipulation?!"

"Your words. Your terms. Your actions."

"This could be the shortest relationship on record," McCoy threatened.

Spock gave him a sharp look. "As I say, your words, your terms, your actions."

McCoy opened his mouth to retaliate, then grinned. "You just might be able to survive in this relationship after all."

"That is welcomed news. Because I really am most anxious to take part in the physical aspects of being with you."

McCoy jerked with the jolt that sent to his nether regions, both forward and aft. Then he grinned some more. "You're not as naive as you've always acted, are you?"

Spock gave him a toasty look. "I assure you, Doctor, that I am not. I know that my father married my mother for more reasons than her quick intelligence and lively conversational powers."

Before McCoy could answer, Kirk was upon them.

“Are you guys about over your hissy fit?” Kirk demanded as he marched over the tarmac toward them. He didn't look too friendly or amused by having to hunt them up.

“Here’s another one who's not being very flattering today,” McCoy muttered.

A dry desert wind whipped Kirk's dark blonde hair as he narrowed his eyes and stared at his two wayward crewmen. “Okay, you had your tantrum about leaving. You know I’ll get anything from Command that I can in order to keep you.” Kirk looked disgruntled, but then he had a reason to be. These were his friends and he didn’t want to lose them. 

Besides, Kirk was used to working with these guys. With Scotty and the other crew members, they were a well-oiled team. But every once in awhile someone wanted to feel appreciated, so that person threatened to leave. So Kirk had to go through a song and dance routine to keep them. Maybe sometime he should just let one of them go. But Kirk knew he wouldn’t do it. He’d work very hard to give the wayward crewman whatever he wanted, because the crewman was a part of Kirk’s family. And Kirk would do anything for his family.

McCoy looked a little sheepish about stirring everyone up so much. "I guess I just needed to know that I was wanted and needed back on the Enterprise. I'm not too sure what the Vulcan was doing, except trying to figure out what I was up to. Oh, he'd like to know that he's wanted and needed, too, I expect." McCoy grinned with satisfaction. "I might be able to clear some of that up for him, though. But that leaves me disgruntled."

"You're wanted and needed back on the Enterprise," Kirk growled, trying to keep the grin of relief off his face. Maybe he better set aside an evening of stroking McCoy's ego and let his favorite doctor and best friend know just how much he was wanted and needed. Where, indeed, would Kirk be without McCoy? Or Spock?

He didn't want to find out.

Kirk looked around. "What were you doing out here anyway?"

“Oh, guess I just wanted a look around at what civilian life would be like,” McCoy muttered as he looked at the dry, barren hills over a mile away. “You know, civilian life ain’t all that it’s cracked up to be.” He looked over at Kirk and squinted against the desert sun in his eyes. “Is it?”

Kirk gave him a lazy smile. He knew he had his crewmen back. “No, it isn’t.”

Kirk and McCoy turned back toward the Enterprise standing nearby. Spock took up the rear guard behind them as he followed. And as they walked, the universe seemed to right itself and it wasn't feeling off-kilter anymore. McCoy also realized that he'd find his stuff just where he'd left it on the Enterprise. Where else would it be? Or him, for that matter?

“So you had about fifteen minutes on the outside. Do anything great with your time?” Kirk wanted to know.

“Yeah. I picked up a Vulcan.”

“Oh?” Kirk glanced back at Spock who gave him a level glance without betraying a single thing. “Anything I should know about?”

“Not yet,” McCoy answered affably. “But if you hear something about Spock and me, it’ll be true.”

“Oh?” Kirk replied. “That’s nice to know.”

"Not half as nice as it's gonna be for me," McCoy said under his breath, but figured that Spock heard him anyway because he could just feel that little half-grin boring into his back from the Vulcan marching so stoically behind him.

Kirk was happy, too. It was a nice afternoon for a walk, despite the desert heat. It was also nice to have the family back together again, especially his best friends. Now he just had tomorrow to worry about, when he had something scary to face-- like Klingons.

But nothing was as scary to him as losing his people or his ship. For they were his life.

**Author's Note:**

> I own nothing of Star Trek, its characters, and/or its story lines.


End file.
